I'm sure I've told you all many times, but for the sake of this story, I'll repeat myself once more and say that for the past few weeks I've been helping out at a research laboratory at this hospital nearby. I'm basically the go-to guy whenever someone needs help. Two weeks ago I assisted the team in removing hearts from pigs so that the effects of the implanted stents and associated medicine could be observed. Let me tell you, wrestling with pigs is anti-fun (have you ever heard these buggers squeal?...yea it kills the ears). In fact, I think we need a new word for this sort of agony. If the action of throwing someone out of a window (defenestrate) merits its own word, I think wrestling with a pig should too. Perhaps something like colluctsus. It's a latin amalgamation...look it up! I've strayed too far off topic. So yes, I help with various tasks around the lab and today it fell on me to dispose of old research case files.

The Paper Massacre

The papers stood no chance. They didn't see it coming. One moment they were resting in their safe haven aka the cardboard box, the next they were being collected for execution. Group by group they were lifted and fed into the "monster" rumored to be called the shredder...For an hour or so, this went on, this fantasy delusion occurring in my mind to make the time pass faster and more excitingly. Well, it seemed exciting at the time at least. For this hour of shredding, everything went smoothly. One by one, every piece of paper was shredded to pieces and laid to rest in this large plastic container. This seemed too easy though. No no no. it couldn't last like this the entire time, right? Something always has to go wrong when I'm involved and so it happened...I encounted the paper "muscle." The best of the papers, the ones that lift weights and are ripped. I, not paying attention to this threat, kept feeding in the normal number of papers. This was to be my undoing.

Return of the Papers

The papers fought hard. The shredder stood no chance and it jammed because of the increased thickness of these papers. Luckily, the shredder had a counter-attack known as the "reverse." With the flick of a button, these papers were flung out only to be fed in again in smaller numbers and oh did they shred. Threat averted.

Sneak Attack

The paper shredding continued as planned. There was no hope to prevent this inhumane treatment. Packet by packet, the papers were thwarted and relegated to the trash bags. A few lone souls, however, planned one last attack that fooled everyone. They seemed to shred just fine until they were barely visible at which point they jammed the machine and left it inoperable. The reverse counterattack failed. Any external measures to pull out the papers failed. It seemed that the shredder may have been defeated. A half hour, some broken scissors, and soar hands later still found the shredder in a sticky predicament, locked in a feud with the paper currently in the feed.

So Simple

Eventually my backup arrived. She nonchalantly walked in, turned the shredder off, turned it back on, and let the machine go. It immediately tore through the remaining bits, leaving no survivors. While this was quite frustrating as I had been working on loosening the paper in the feed for 30 minutes, I concluded that I had loosened the paper enough to finally allow the shredder to work. This conclusion brightens up the innermost cavities of my conscious (and unconscious) and allows me to ignore the half-hour waste of my life. On the other hand, this situation is just like when you can't open a bottle after so many attempts, but then the person after you does it with no effort. See it really was all me!

Unexpected Ending

With the shredder up and running, the papers once again met their doom in the depths of this machine. Soon, though, a surprising twist of fate intervened, saving the papers for the time being and disappointing me thoroughly. The jamming had caused the shredder to overheat and rendered it useless. After two hours of standing and only two trash bags full of paper, I felt as if I had lost big time. No no...I just utterly and truly FAILED. So there you have it, a typical day in my shoes.